Book Review: The Secret Life of Men

Steve Biddulph Marlowe & Company, New York, 2003. ISBN 1-56924-481-2.

 Steve Biddulph is an Australian psychologist who has traveled the world conducting workshops around men’s and family issues. His books are published in twenty-three languages and he is one of the world’s top-selling psychological authors outside the United States. His wisdom, and the insights he shares in this book, are truly a blessing to anyone willing to hear his message.

Chapter 1, entitled “The Problem,” begins with the following:

Most men don’t have a life. Instead we have an act, an outer show, kept up for protection. We pretend things are fine, that everything is cool, and sometimes we even fool ourselves. But ask a man how he really feels or what he really thinks and the first thing he thinks is, “What am I supposed to say?” The average man today is deeply unhappy, but he would be the last to admit it.

What is the cause of this sad state of affairs? Biddulph goes on to say, “Put in very simplified terms, boys growing up over the last few generations did not learn how to be men, because no one ever taught them or showed them how. Our culture forgot how to do this . . .” The author further defines and articulates the problem; yet by far, the real promise of the book is sharing a seven-step approach to reclaiming healthy manhood.

Step 1: “Fixing it” with your father. No father is perfect, and virtually all wound their sons by simply not knowing how to love them unconditionally. Sons develop distorted images of their worth as a result, and carry these images into adulthood. To become whole, men must heal this wound, forgive their fathers, and learn to respect fathers as they are.

Step 2: Finding sacredness in your sexuality. “Sex will either be a sleazy and obsessive part of your life or a sacred and powerful source of well-being. There isn’t any in-between.” This step requires men to claim their sexuality as a divine gift and to learn to manage the sexual tension between man and woman as a sacred dance of love and empowerment.

Step 3: Meeting your partner on equal terms. Men and women are different, yet equal, and potentially complementary companions. Our culture lacks abundant healthy images of man/woman relationship, so we are all conditioned with illusory expectations. Men must learn to claim their authentic voices to share who they really are, and must learn to listen to and respect their partner.

Step 4: Engaging actively with your kids. Research clearly documents that fathering is different from mothering, and that both are necessary to raise healthy boys or girls. Effective fathering requires a willingness to engage, to learn the “tough–ender” balance, and to share yourself authentically.

Step 5: Learning to have real male friends. Certain aspects of the male experience can only be understood and appreciated by other men. Modern cultures simply overlook the importance of this, and healthy male–male intimacy is sorely lacking. Men need to be able to share their masculinity with other men to be whole.

Step 6: Finding your heart in your work. “The real work of men is to support and protect life and to build toward a better world.” Heartless corporations make finding your unique ability to contribute value to your world a difficult undertaking.

Step 7: Freeing your wild spirit. “The god of men does not dwell in the suburbs or the office buildings. . . . You will need to find a spiritual basis for your inner life that is specifically masculine and based in nature, which connects you to the earth you live on.”

If you are a man, a woman who loves a man, or a leader/manager of men, you will find this book truly enlightening. It holds the promise of fulfilled masculinity as part of a healthy life, a healthy organization, and a healthy world. Men are blamed for many ills, yet this book explains how they have been betrayed by modern culture and what it takes to reclaim their rightful place in the divine plan. There is no way to recommend this book too highly.